The first love of a young lady is a delicate and frail thing. Not only are both parties nervous and unaware of how their actions will affect the other, but neither know how to best speak what they feel. This too, was the case for the near fifteen year old Lady Gracelin Howard in the early season of the Phoenix of 1320 AE. Months she'd later recall as her greatest mistakes for years to come.
Gracelin, a girl shaped and brought up by the upper noble class of Divinity's Reach, had always been used to the overflow of resources in her home, she had always been kept away from the common people and kept in a very short leash when it came to her social life. At age ten, her father had announced her betrothal to Baloryn Dunn, and at age thirteen the deal had been formally signed and now waited to be fulfilled come her twentieth birthday.
Gracelin knew, of course, that arranged marriages was common among her father's friends and to her, the idea had been so overly romanticized that she now, two years later, found herself eager to become Lady Dunn; spending her time dreaming of the day her knight in shiny armor would come and take her away and their life would begin in full. She'd never questioned this.
But then came the day when her father announced that he would be away for the season, meeting with powerful allies among the old noble houses and Gracelin would be left in the care of the household and of course Lady Tate, her most eager and dutiful chaperone.
Dear Diary.
Father left a week ago, he wouldn't tell me anything except he has business with friends. Sometimes I believe he thinks I am still a child and that it's better to spare me. It's pointless to ask Lady Tate, Gods know I'd rather not talk more to her than is required of me, yet she always seems to know what is going on. Luck would have it, and I know it's a dreadful thing to say, that Lady Tate took a fall a few days ago and broke her left ankle, keeping her in bed for weeks ahead now. This means a new found freedom for me after almost a year of her constant presence.
I've begun taking long walks around Queensdale and the city in the company of Arms master Vall. For some reason, he believes it's important that I see and know my way around the area. I'm not quite sure why, but as it takes me out of the house I am happy to go with him. In a few days, we're going to visit the cloister to understand how the life of the most dedicated evolves in comparison to the one I lead [...]
With Lord Howard away from the house, an unexpected laziness fell over the place in the following weeks. The weather was warm and the air damp. On the fields, working men and women sought shadow and longed for a breeze to cool their heated bodies, if only for a moment. Inside the city, the gardens were doused with water many times a day and children swam in the fountains.
On her long walks, Gracelin now found herself in the company of the stable-boy, Nath. Often meeting him by, what she would insist was pure chance, by the lake or near a farm and they would walk back together. Since she was six and he ten, there had been a secret friendship between the two and now, this friendship was nurtured more on a daily basis and slowly came to be a crush, a growing love. They both knew, yet it would be almost a month before either of them said anything. Content to walk together, exchange thoughts or stories of their day, and share those knowing smiles. In time, it became agreed upon where they would meet the next day.
Dear Diary.
I met with Nath today, by the lake. He was going fishing for his mother and asked me if I wanted to come with him. Of course, I've never fished before, but he insisted that I could learn and I agreed to meet him there just past noon. It was quite amusing, I must admit. I caught a fish and because I knew nothing of how to handle it, it almost dragged me into the water. Praise be to the Gods that it didn't or I would have a hard time explaining why I was soaked. Nath laughed at me, but I don't mind when it's him laughing. Afterwards, he went swimming, but I stayed on land. I am a lady after all and even if I did go fishing, I am never going to act un-lady like and swim in a lake, I might end up smelling like fish!
I couldn't help but laugh however, when he splashed water after me or when he came out and bent past me to pick up his shirt. In that moment, I swear I felt my heart skip a beat as I've never been so close to any man before. Of course I didn't, but had I leant forward just a little, I could have touched his chest. Perhaps it's best if I do not meet him for a while, after all, I am betrothed to Baloryn and I would not have anyone think of me as they do of Lady Tate's near father, though she does not seem to care what people think. But I do.
Praise be to the Gods and goodnight.
Another week went and then another. The weather changed and the rain began to pour down for days at the time. Gracelin had stayed away from Nath for almost two weeks when the change between them happened. Insisting that Gracelin didn't go outside in this weather, Lady Tate had instead only realized that no one had been able to find the young woman for the past three hours.
Just outside of the city gates, was an old tree house, built years ago and when she was a child, it had been a favored playground for Gracelin and her friends. Now, she was sitting on the floor of the old house as the rain came down on the roof, leaking in here and there. Next to her, lay her diary; open on a page with unjust scribbles about the unfairness of life as a young woman. Practically a prison, it suggested.
A knock on the door was followed by the head and broad shoulders as Nath looked inside. Relief on his face as he saw her there. But instead of leaving again, he came inside and sat down on the floor next to her.
"Everyone's lookin' for you miss Gracelin, Lady Tate is sure you gone and run off somewhere:" he said, looking at her. "I am hiding, you may as well return and tell her you haven't been able to locate me." Gracelin answered without looking at him.
"Nah, might as well keep her thinkin' that I'm stil' really." Nath offered her an insecure grin and made to leave again, but seemingly changed his mind. "Miss Gracelin? Did I offend you somehow?" He questioned, unexpectedly. His dark eyes sought her blue as he waited for an answer. Gracelin shook her head and finally looked at him.
"No Nath, you haven't offended me." She replied.
"Ah good, I just thought, since you don't want to come walkin' with me... I figured you don't like me any more." He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh no, but I do. Can't you see, I am betrothed to someone, if I spent too much time with someone like you, then people might start talking about me and I simply couldn't stand it." she burst out dramatically, even for a girl in her early teens.
"Someone like me?" Nath lifted an eyebrow, and Gracelin could see the hurt in his eyes. "I-- Yes... A commoner. Nath, you have to understand. You're my friend, of course, but you're beneath me in everything in the eyes of the world and--" He cut her off with such intense anger that for a moment she feared he would hit her. Instead he jumped to his feet, turning away from her and making to leave the tree house.
"You don't have to say any more..." He managed to say. Gracelin stood up, taking a step towards him. "Nath, all I meant is--" He turned, looking down at her with narrow eyes. "I get it!" He said, still without raising his voice. He took a step forward and grabbed her arm, perhaps a little firmer than he'd meant to.
Dear Diary.
I've been kissed today. My very first kiss and I think I enjoyed it.
It was Nath.
I made him angry, but instead of raising his voice or leaving. He kissed me.
He was so angry that he bumped me back against the wall and I can still recall the sensation of the kiss, the feel of his lips pressing against my own. It was wonderful and terrible all at once. He held me firmly and I've never been so close to anyone before, I could smell the warmth of his skin and the stables in his clothes. Afterwards he apologized and called me a simpleton for not understanding how much hurt my words would cause, but he said that he cares deeply for me and always has.
I told him I care for him as well, because it's true and because I wanted to take away the hurt he said I'd caused. None of us mentioned the fact that I am betrothed, we just sat close together on the floor until he had to go and see to the stables.
When I went home, it had stopped raining and for a while I was worried if you could smell it in my dress afterwards or if the servants could see it on my face, so I went straight to my room and to bed, saying that I had a terrible headache. No one asked any questions as Lady Tate was asleep as well.
Praise be to the Gods and goodnight.
Over the next three weeks, Gracelin and Nath met as often as possible in the old tree house or wherever they could escape to and find some privacy. The two exchanged eager kisses and dreams of the future, and slowly one day after the other Gracelin pushed away the knowledge of Baloryn and reality, believing herself to know better and to be deeply in love with the young man by her side. The memory of Corinn and what had happened to her childhood friend when she eloped and married Mr. Bertram did not worry Gracelin, she barely though of it and when she did, it was only to reassure herself that such a thing would never happen to her. That her father would understand and allow such a connection. The diary pages was once again full of dreams, the only difference was the name of the man.
Dear Diary.
A most wonderful thing happened today.
Nath gave me a necklace; a leather string with a heart carved in wood and our names on either side. I ware it under my shirt so that no one will be able to see it and find out about us.
My letters to Baloryn have shamefully been too short all season, but he only speaks of his training and says very little of interest, and maybe it's for the best and we're growing apart? After all, we've only met the one time and I truly feel alive when I am close to Nath and he holds and kisses me […]
Much to Gracelin's dismay, the season of the Phoenix slowly came to an end and the letter announcing her father's return arrived. Lady Tate rose from her sickbed with a renewed promise to keep a watchful eye on her young charge. It became more and more difficult for her to meet with Nath, and after an abruptly ended afternoon where Lady Tate had almost caught them, Gracelin began to consider her options, finding them lacking at best. A week later they had their first fight and two days went past where Nath wasted his time, waiting for her in the tree house.
In the end, it was a very surprised Mrs. Thomas who found out what Gracelin had been up to all season long. Curious to see if the tree house was still there, Mrs. Thomas walked up the hill with her son, eager for a new place to play and explore. But great was her shock, when Mrs. Thomas instead found Gracelin sitting closely together with Nath on the floor of the old house. No chaperone in sight and their hands joined, she with her head on his shoulder. There could be no excuses, they both knew it and with a calm, but cold voice, Mrs. Thomas sent Nath back to his duties before she turned to Gracelin and asked her to visit for the next day's afternoon tea.
The next afternoon, Gracelin made her way to Mrs. Thomas house, having spent a sleepless night in desperation looking for all possible excuses as to why she had been where she was and why Nath had been there as well. But by dawn, she had realized and perhaps accepted that there was nothing to be done.
Dear Diary.
It has happened. Mrs. Thomas knows about Nath and myself.
She found us yesterday and with remarkable calm, she sent him away and invited me to tea today.
I went into her house ready with at least ten bad excuses and of course none of them could hold up against the woman who has been more a mother to me than my own ever has.
She spoke calmly about my duties to my family, the pain I would undoubtedly cause Nath and his family and my tainted honor. Because I have never had a proper mother, she said, I couldn't know about these things between man and woman, but she sat down, took my hand and did her best to explain and answer my questions. She asked me if 'anything' had ever happened between us in that way and looked very relieved when I told her no. I know well enough that something like that is only for husband and wife and she seemed happy to know that Nath has always been a gentleman.
She assured me that there is no chance for Nath and I to be together and explained she will have to tell my father everything when he returns tomorrow, unless I do so myself. I asked her to be there with me and she agreed.
I have no choice but to marry Baloryn, because this is what duty and honor bids me do.
My heart is broken, I feel it torn from my chest at the thought that I will never again sit close to Nath and hold his hand or feel his lips press against my own. I can not describe the pain, I feel as if I have died a thousand times and even now, tears won't stop coming. Lady Tate won't stop asking me questions, but I ignore her and have gone to bed early. I have so many words, yet I feel I can't find the proper one to describe my situation. I now know how Corinn felt. It hardly seems fair to force this life down over us. If I ever have a daughter, I will never arrange her marriage for her.
Praise be to the Gods and goodnight.
In the end, Lord Howard did of course return and supported by Mrs. Thomas, Gracelin told him everything that had happened. She had never seen her father so angry before as when he sent for the stable-boy. Nath appeared and reluctantly confirmed the story Gracelin had told. Lord Howard took coin from his purse and handed it to the young man, telling him instantly to leave the house and never try to contact his daughter again. Gracelin wept, pleading her father for just five minutes with Nath before he left, but was refused with such intense anger that she barely dared look at him.
Mrs. Thomas was asked to leave and a long speech of duty and honor followed as Lord Howard explained to his guilty daughter what her actions had meant, what consequences they would bare.
"Not only have you ruined your own reputation. Had it not been for the good heart of Mrs. Thomas, this would no doubt be all about the city by now. Secondly, you have cost a promising young man his job and now he can not support his family who no doubt need his earnings each week. But worst of all, Gracelin, have you brought shame over your family and from this day, when you leave this room, you have a terrible secret to keep." He began his lecture, striding back and forth in front of her as he spoke.
"You will remain betrothed to Baloryn, and you will marry him and you will never tell him, nor anyone, of this business between yourself and this servant. You must understand the importance of this, our families must remain pure in blood so that when Ascalon is once again ours, we have a rightful claim to the land." Lord Howard's voice thundered down over his daughter's shameful head.
Gracelin nodded slowly, looking at her hands during the flow of words from her father. Shame crept in on her as she began to realize just how many lives had been affected by her actions and how she would ruin her own if her secret ever came out. Perhaps in time, her father would forgive her, but only if she never again gave him reason to doubt her. That night, she made a promise of change and improvement and wrote it down to remind herself as often as it took before it had been fulfilled.
Dear Diary.
I promise to always strive to do better and never again forget my duties and my family's honor.
I will forget him and I will devote my attention to my studies and the man I am promised to.
Gracelin Howard.
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