Dear Diary (4)

Ebonhawke -1325 AE
Season of the Colossus

Dear Diary.

When I last wrote, I promised change and indeed change I now seek to provide.

I have also begun working on an organization which will aid Tyria in ways the Shield never could and though it is very new now, I pray the Six will support my endeavor and see fit to guide me towards its success. The Tyrian Relief Organization.

So far, old supporters are moving with me, Lord M was first to sign up, closely followed by Wex, they'll lead the Guard together. Baloryn will lead the diplomats, he's far better at talking to people than I am. I try not to let it show, but sometimes people annoy me with how they make excuses for themselves instead of just speaking plainly.

Guardsman and woman Renfrew and Ari are here, Mr Cogspin follows too. Miss Marsh has agreed to work under the Guard and as our Head hunts-woman. William turned up, I thought he'd been lost to, well who knows in Divinity's Reach, I only ever see him in the company of Lady Heart and rarely hear him speak of actually doing anything. I'm still hopeful that Mist will aid us as well, she's still a dear friend to me and I would so like to see her more than I do.

We had dinner together one night a few weeks ago. It was lovely to see her and we spent hours by the table talking about this and that. She's always very caring and holds a true interest, I believe, in other people. She said she'd want to come to Ebonhawke now and again, but so far I haven't seen her. Baloryn has arranged for aid for her parents farm when she needs it, but I know she's still reluctant to travel. Perhaps she's found something else to keep her busy. I only hope she's well.

I've given Wex, Master Vall's old riffle, after I was attacked by the separatists outside of Ebonhawke I've realized just how important the Guard is in my daily life and even more so how much work they do and though Wex wasn't there at the time, he's spent countless hours standing guard when I or Lord M have been somewhere. It seemed right to me that he should have the rifle and I believe he was very happy to receive it. He's a good sort of man and I'm glad he'll be leading the Guard in the field for T.R.O. I trust him not to be eager for combat. It is not our main goal.

I've met a few new people as well, both very interesting in their own way and a world apart yet they seem very good friends.

Sammael Pendragon, is a Seraph recruit, former Vigil I believe and same as myself he descends from Ascalon. This alone of course provides plenty of conversation, but for one or other reason we've yet to manage much of it. Perhaps in the future we'll have more luck.

The other is a Sylvari, a Soundless (I'm not sure what this is and I have to look it up), his name is Tigwyll and he's the first of his kin I've ever really met. He's been visiting Ebonhawke the past few days in an eager search into how soldiers react when suddenly they're pulled away from a war they've fought for generations. It's an interesting topic, I tried explaining the mindsets of these soldiers and of how Ascalonians feel,even after so many years the pride and strength endures. Sadly, Tigwyll ended up in a rather heated debate with Baloryn and Lord Eranor the first evening, arguing whether or not war can be avoided. I didn't say much as I know my duty to support my husband and not take a stance against him, but I mostly agreed with Tigwyll as he said he didn't see the point to continue a war when there were more important matters to see, the Dragons.

I met him again the next day and he told me he'll be returning to the Shiverpeaks soon where he lives among the Norn, considering himself more one of them than one of the Sylvari.

Commander Yaesir of the Fallen Angels and I continue to get along, in spite of the rough start and my delay in the first supply delivery. I've pledged the T.R.O's support to his Warhost and continue of course to support his regiment with what I can. Though I had a rather unpleasant experience at my last visit to the Fort, prior to our arrival here in Ebonhawke, one of his men was introduced to me and with a mockery he kissed my hand, whispering a most dreadful 'Noble tit' to my face. I'm used to people disliking me, just because of who I am, but I've never before been so directly insulted. I did my best to ignore him and move on to other matters with the Commander.

House Wolfheart has applied to the Warhost, after the death of the Lord and the improper speedy re-marriage of the new Lady Wolfheart and a man now known as Lord Kai, a suspected criminal no less, the House now seems to be trying to recover from a great many scandals of late and with it, the new Lady seems keen to join the Warhost. Though I'm not sure why, but that's her business of course, I won't waste paper referring to scandals and games of the nobles of Divinity's Reach.

The Commander and I have had first a meeting with Lady Wolfheart's man, sir Quentin Hill and later, the lady herself. It disturbs me a great deal how much the two differ. Where he insists that the Lady did only make a contracted marriage to gain support for her house, she insisted upon her love for this Kai. Several other matters we discussed made me wonder just how trustworthy the Lady is as well as her new husband. But then, there were never many warm feelings between House Dunn and the late Lord Wolfheart, after all he was eager to look down upon us and demand our submission. Rather rude I thought. The rest of the leaders still have to meet with Lady Wolfheart regarding her entry to the Warhost, but at least now I have done mine and can focus on the T.R.O at a time.

When we returned from the meeting with the Lady herself, Ebonhawke was buzzing with activity. Baloryn and the Guard were trying to settle in the new arrivals in the tavern and have the Personnel understand their duties. After some attempts in finding a place in the tavern to speak, I followed the Commander back to the Fort where it was at least quiet.

I know of course that there's more to people than the masks they daily shelter behind, but what I've seen in the Commander that night, has me wondering if there's not more I can do for himself as well as his regiment. I barely know what brought it on, a mention perhaps of the masks I daily wear and change between, but suddenly and almost as if I wasn't there, he began speaking of the hate he feels towards... everything I think. Words about how he did terrible things to spare those who come after him, a most unusual display of the most terrible of scars on his body, inflicted by... I suspect Charr, but cannot say for certain and I didn't find it proper to ask a man about his torso. Instead I simply put a hand on his arm, I don't rightly know why but it seemed a sensible thing to do. The Six knows, I'm no soldier, nor will I ever be, but I have been brought up by them, rounded by them, their blood and old pride flows through my veins and no doubt I at least understand the desire to do more and do it right, for those to follow in the future. My own children, should the Gods be willing to give me any. It was very late before I returned home that night.


I barely remember the last time I wrote this much, but there is so much to tell and I have been neglecting my writing far too much the past two weeks, I really should make more of an effort.

Late last night I went past my desk in the Fort to pick up some papers I'd forgotten and there on top of the pile was a letter, sealed and plain looking, but how it got there I'm unsure of.

As I opened it, it was a very cryptic message from someone calling herself Miss Applewood. I'm sure I've never heard of one such, however the letter said to ask the Commander about her and so I shall, tomorrow. It's not very late now, but I will wait just the same.

I believe that will have to be all for now.

Goodnight and may the Six keep us all.


Divinity's Reach - 1325 AE
Season of the Colossus
Howard Manor.


Dear Diary,

So much happens these days, I feel like I cannot keep up with it all. My thoughts are in a terrible state tonight and I only hope I can make some sense of myself as I write these lines.

I'm not certain when this trouble started, but I remember the event which triggered it all.

After I received the letter from Miss Applebloom, I spoke to the Commander and in turn met his sister, Shanna. Both have been most welcoming and helpful and I see their resemblance in more than one way. She put me in contact with Miss Applebloom who would later visit our home in Ebonhawke. However before doing so, Baloryn found himself in a common street brawl with a man I've never heard of before. He was rude, insulting and did his very best to provoke a reaction and got exactly that; Baloryn struck him and the two ended up in a fight. Lord M was there and at first encouraged the brawl, but after a time even he found it to be unsuitable in the middle of the street, he walked away, leaving me to face the two and in turn I walked away as well. I have never seen men fight before and I did not care much for what I saw. I admit, I was very disappointed in my husband and his behavior but instead of having a fit I didn't speak of it at all.

Later that same night, Miss Applebloom visited, but what passed between herself and us I shall not write down anywhere.

The next morning we departed from Ebonhawke, still not speaking and sometime later in the afternoon we arrived in Hoelbrak where I was hoping to locate the Norn Fjorvaldr whom I met last when I traveled the Shiverpeaks. Instead however, we met none other than Tigwyll on his way back to his lodge in the Wayfarer Foothills. He was eager to offer us shelter and aid and I was quick to accept it, we hadn't walked far before others of his lodge or friends joined us and I believe we were eight people making our way to the lodge in the end. I've always felt very welcome amongst the Norn, they're loud and large, but I quite enjoy their culture which is so free and open, unlike my own. Baloryn however, seemed very uncomfortable and displeased most of the time, when he took offense from a poem Tigwyll had written against war, he left the lodge. A woman, Frydhilde, followed him out, but what they spoke of I do not know, but when he came back he didn't leave her side to return to mine. We spent a pleasant evening in their company and their Hornkeeper, Arnora, agreed to offer their aid for the Pilgrimage, I believe it was a very fruitful trip to the Shiverpeaks.

When we departed the lodge, Baloryn found us shelter in a Lionguard fort as a blizzard was underway and we couldn't risk the trip all the way back to Hoelbrak. It was here I saw my whole world turned against me and I'm not sure I will be able to recall everything which happened.

Somehow, Baloryn and myself had a falling out, a fight, argument or whatever the proper word.

The things he said of how he sees me, of how he believes I treat him and how poorly I behave have shocked me and left me shaken to the core.

It is no secret, that the way I have been educated and brought up has always been in the mindset of how to best please a future husband, that the way I was to behave would be how he expected me to be, how society expects me to be. Baloryn views me far differently, to him I am cold, distant, does not care for his company and show no signs of appreciating his support and help. He spent hours, literally, telling me of all the things I do or say and how they're wrong. How I belittle him, how he is merely one to walk around after me and do as I please him to. He was deeply offended that I suggested to try and accept the other races, especially the Norn, as they offered us aid. I was shocked to learn that he views them as a lesser race. It went on for hours and I can barely remember what was said. In the end I told him that if he so dislikes me and our life together, perhaps it would be better if we lived separately as so many others, only meeting when we cannot avoid it. He refused and threatened to have our marriage annulled, another shock.

After some time, he instead said that he would leave and brand himself a traitor, that way I could carry on my life as Lady Dunn and perhaps one day marry a man of my own choice rather than one of my fathers or Williams. I questioned this and imagined my surprise when he confessed to me that he knows more of the Separatists than is entirely legal to, that the attack on my caravan was instigated by men once under his command. I cannot remember all our words, I felt sick and uncomfortable, frightened and like I would lose everything in a matter of moments. Even now as I relive it on paper, I feel much the same way.

In the end, my husband of not even two months got up and walked out of our tent. I do not know where he's gone or what will happen now.

I was escorted back to Divinity's Reach the next day and I have returned for now, to my father's home where I try to make some sense of it all. Am I truly that bad a person as he paints me to be? He said he feels himself a failure, but how have I contributed any to that? I have been as I have been educated to be, but only in public. I have never distanced myself in private, I have never rejected him and I thought us at least to have become friends, yet I seem to have failed as a wife in so many ways. He claims I have never made him feel welcome or wanted yet I thought I had done my best to show my appreciation and I have most certainly never said or done anything to make my husband seem unwanted. I do not understand what he sees or where it came from, but I know I have to find a way to make up to him for what I have done to cause him so much pain, if only I knew where he has gone, I could perhaps make amends and he would perhaps give me another chance to make up for my mistakes and failures. I have to find him.

Sometime last night, a knock on my door woke me from a disturbed sleep. Sarah was outside, I hadn't expected to see her so soon after I sent her on her way with the maps for Miss Shanna and the message for the Commander. She was out of breath, with a message in return from the Commander to ask if he might come see me. I don't know what he's heard or from whom, but I was in no state to receive a visitor and so I declined. Not an hour later I came to regret it and I was half way out of the door before I reconsidered and went back inside.

I have spent today, sending out careful letters regarding my husband, masked as other questions to commanders and friends of the family, asking if he's arrived safely and is well. If they write back with a no, it is easy to pretend it was all my mistake. I only hope I will find some news of where he is so that I might right my many wrongs.

My heart feels lighter now that I have it all on paper, I think perhaps I will simply go to bed early and sleep, hopefully, long into tomorrow morning.

May the Six watch over us, especially Baloryn.

Ebonhawke, 1325 AE
Season of the Colossus

Dear Diary,

I am in Ebonhawke once more. A few nights ago, Commander Yaesir and his sister, Shanna, came knocking on our door and I was invited to the Fort with them. I was rather surprised by this but glad enough to come as I enjoy their company and at least, for now, the Commander has become the most unlikely of friends. Perhaps in time his sister will follow.

I spent all my evening and most of the night in their company. Shanna is very kind and offered me a special blend of tea she herself makes. It was very good, not as up and over the top as some blends you're sometimes offered. Sadly though she left us early, but I hope perhaps some day soon I might be able to return the favor.

The Commander of course wanted to talk to me about Baloryn and the fact that he's left me. I told him what I know and we somehow got to talking of the struggles of soldiers and their life. Appreciation. Some time during the night, Commander Yaesir fell asleep in his chair, I found a blanket for his legs and took my leave.

I arrived back to an empty house and a cold study, so instead I kept my clothes on and went to bed. I believe it was then when it dawned upon me, Baloryn's words and then the Commander's much like them. Appreciation. Flipping back through the pages of my old diary, still in the study, back to the wedding two months ago; I realize I have written very little, if anything at all, of the things my husband has done for me and I saw myself in a new light once more. I have been too busy looking at what we argued over that I have forgotten to make note of the efforts and small gestures he's done to bring us closer. Once again I find myself ashamed and though he won't know either way, I will write down a list here of as many as I can remember.

1. The way he speaks to me. Always calling me 'his love' even if we both know there's no such thing between us, but the word has made me smile and I realize now that I am glad he does it.

2. The way he behaves around me, he's always courteous, kisses my hand or my cheek. He shares my bed even if mostly for sleep, which I appreciate might I add, he does not force himself upon me, nor has he ever. He always kisses me good night and good morning.

3. He is no doubt my friend.

4. He drew me, and never once have I written anything about it. I came home to a candle-lit study and while I sat there on the couch, he made a very lovely and indeed complimenting sketch of me, yet I've failed entirely to mention it. It was a lovely gesture and most unexpected.

5. He cooked me dinner. He cooked Mist and myself dinner. I am unsure if I even thanked him.

6. He has escorted me to countless gatherings and social functions and has endured wine he doesn't like and women who approach him even if he doesn't want them to and I told him in turn to keep any affairs out of our home.

7. He is undoubtedly second to none in his support for the T.R.O and the projects I have on the side. He has listened to my ideas and made some of his own and I believe in fact I could not have done this without his aid.

It is not easy to see your own and worst flaws on paper. Lack of appreciation for my own husband. If I ever get the chance to again, I will admit the errors of myself and my ways. Thank him and apologize. Perhaps one day. Perhaps he may forgive me in time.

May the Six watch over us all. Especially my husband, Baloryn.