Dear Diary (3)

Dear Diary

Let me see now what I have...

I have a husband, to whom I was married just two days ago. I have a new home, which is ready to receive me and in which I'll be staying and managing two households and the Shield of course. I have a friend, a new one, but a friend just the same.

It's been so long under way, my marriage, the union of the Houses and the revival of the Shield.

It should be a joyous time, yet I feel empty. Unable to do what I'm expected to and I do not know why.

I saw Baloryn in the afternoon, before the wedding, he acted odd around me as he always does and it was very clear to me that he wasn't looking forward to this. When I wanted to introduce him to William and told him what I thought he knew! That William is the Howard heir, he more than suggested that I was no longer good enough for him. I'm ashamed not to be able to live up to his expectations and I almost blurred out my own thoughts.

I wonder, does he realize how unfitting it is for a man to flirt eagerly left and right in front of his betrothed, his wife, on his wedding day, straight to her face? Maybe he doesn't care how I feel and I know Lady Tate warned me, saying it would be one of the things I would have to endure and overlook.

I hope I can live it down.

On the night of the wedding, I met Mist again outside the city. I fled, I will only ever admit to it on these pages, but I fled. Like a coward I went to hide and even for a moment did I consider never returning and I'm ashamed of myself for it. I spoke to her for a while, she doesn't understand the ways of the noble houses and on more than one occasion has she told me we're silly for all our strange ways. Maybe she's right, but this is how things are and it will take more than just me to change it. I wouldn't dare risk my father's anger, or that of my husband.

I met Wex as well, he seemed confused to find me unguarded outside the city, but dutiful as he is, dear soul, he didn't ask too many questions and soon moved on to the Garrison where Lord M is preparing his campaign against the centaur. Baloryn will be joining them the day after the wedding.

Lord M, who said to me that if I couldn't do this after all he would take me away from it all. But I know full well what that will mean in the end. I would lose everything, and I'm not sure if I would be able to survive that. I'm not strong enough to live without the comforts I'm so used to. But maybe, one day, I'll dare ask him something else.

But let me instead describe the wedding day itself and use up the last pages of this book so that I might begin anew as I enter into my life as a married Lady. Lady Dunn.

The day started early, William and Father arrived and directed the outdoors activities.

Inside I heard Mrs. Brooks in the kitchen, ordering the maids and other staff around.

I was in my room almost all day, bathing for hours, sleeping a little, having some food and in the end of course my hair was done and I was dressed in the coat and trousers and the long boots which have so long been ready for me. The thick feathers around the edges were heavier than I'd thought, but they sat there as a tribute to the Dunn Griffin while the clothes were held in the Howard colors. I think I will miss that red hue, I don't at all care for the purple of the Dunn's.

Finally the time came when it was evening and the many guests arrived. I saw them from my window and knew very few. I'd invited Mist and I saw her arrive with a friend, so too did the Asura and several nobles and representatives. I saw Lord M and his guard in their colors, and William bust with the guests. Women flocking to Baloryn in, perhaps, a last attempt of having him remember them while he stood by my side. I don't think I've ever felt worse.

When it was time, the honor guard came to take me to him, I heard someone whisper in the crowd that it looked like they were worried I might run away and had to be escorted by the guard. I heard someone whisper that the location was macabre and others again that it was wrong. Yet it took an Asura, or a handful in fact, when the priest asked if anyone would object; They did. And for a moment I thought to do the same, but I realized the shame and understood that they were more curious about the custom and wanted to debate and the ceremony carried on.

Vows and blessings, joined hands and a speech I barely remember and I was suddenly married.

Then came the wedding night and may the Six forgive me. I have never felt so awkward, so uncomfortable or so much in pain before. It was over in moments and not once did we look at each other, not once did we speak, not once did we share a kind word. Nothing.

But I promise, by the Gods and by the honor of the Houses and for the sake of those who expect more from me. I will endure this and I will carry on and I will not be broken by whatever pain.

I'm Lady Gracelin Dunn of Divinity's Reach, Ebonhawke and Ascalon. Lady of the House, Steward of the Shield.

May the Six watch over me, my house, my husband and my friends.

Goodnight


Dear Diary

Since last I wrote, I've found myself already breaking my promise, even if it was just one to myself.

Baloryn and I have argued and though at first I thought this would be a way for us to speak our mind, my husband continues to feel only sorry for himself in this situation. I find him without empathy, materialistic and only with the wish to further his own cause.

I pleaded with him, be my friend and perhaps proper love would grow, perhaps we could find common ground and in the end be the pride of our families which I'm certain we should always have been. I am told it would only delay matters.

Father sent me a message, telling me to find out how or why I have displeased my husband as he found himself in other women's company on our very wedding day and not in mine. How he shares compliments to other women, yet never thinks to give me one.

Again, I was offered none but the pardons of his own misfortunes. I do not believe he understands at all and it saddens me greatly.

My husband wishes only to carry on as we are and to once again seek any feelings we might have felt in the few days we met before he went away. I did not tell him I found him changed since then as I believe it would be no use. And so, I will carry on from here. If so he wishes we shall pretend love and wear our masks towards each other as well as to the world, then so be it.

I shall do as my Lord wishes, and hopefully in turn keep my father pleased at the same time.

It has only been a month, perhaps things will change and improve?

May the Six watch over me, my house, my husband and my friends.

Goodnight


Dear Diary.

We've returned from Claypool, Baloryn was wounded in the Saddle-Sore campaign and I have been seeing him in the Township, but father set for me to return home early to the city and my husband followed a few days later.

I would lie if I said I was sad to leave, I was shocked by what I found there. A lack of proper supplies and medical care. Mist told me it's not uncommon in Queensdale and other areas, due to the centaurs. There are too many caravans lost on the roads and not enough to protect them. She is a sweet girl, Mist, though older than me so I suppose proper manners demand me to call her a lady or woman. Though there is just something about her which seems more like a girl, not that she is child-like, not at all. Perhaps it is because she, as a commoner, leads such a different life from my own. But I appreciate her company and have slowly started calling her a friend.

House Dunn had a meeting last night with House Dynatia. They're an old household with ties back to Elona long ago. Led by brother and sister, they're both very beautiful. She has silky dark skin and long black hair. Always dressed in green and golden as is the colors of their house. I now dress in the colors of House Dunn, purple hues and a soft golden or white tone.

House Dynatia wishes to work towards a friendship with the Dunns and of course my husband is most interested. I arrived late, held up by something else, not currently very important. I could barely believe my ears when Baloryn told me that the pair wished to donate a sum of 10.000 gold to House Dunn, set to be used in and around Ebonhawke. At the same time, Lady Kesh mentioned she wishes to gather the Ladies of the city for a tea party and I'm hoping perhaps for a chance to share my idea there of a ladies organization to arrange and host benefits in the city. There's so little we can do from home and I would like to arrange for so much more.

Tomorrow I leave for Ebonhawke,both to look through the Dunn Household books and get an idea of what the house owns and what I can budget for the monthly use in my own home. I do not wish to overspend. Father has been pushing the matter, and I promised I would see to it when Baloryn had recovered from his wounds.

My husband, in turn, thinks it has no rush and urged me to relax and take a few days in Ebonhawke where I simply enjoy the area now that it is free of battle with the Charr. I know they both wish the best, but somehow I become caught in the middle of obeying both my father and husband.

Further I bring the promised supplies to Commander Yaesir and his Fallen Angels.

I was rather surprised tonight, when the Dynatias left, Baloryn led me to the dining room and made me sit down. Not long after he served a starter, one he himself had made and for all the impressive food I have had in life this is sure to be the most surprising. I apparently have a husband who can cook. Not only in the kitchen, but over open fire he told me.

The salmon was very good and I quite enjoyed it, trying not to show how moved I was by the gesture, though it was hard. But then he stood up and went to get something, a gift for me he said.

I admit, and only here, for I was rather ashamed of myself, that it was very unexpected and I believe the famous last drop. He'd made me a large drawing, with me and Dax on a place which overlooks old Ascalon, he called it the Summit and explained that here the truce negotiations between Charr and Humans now take place. I don't know exactly what happened, but suddenly I found myself in tears, trying to explain that I was not at all unhappy with the gift as he first thought. Not at all. It has made me view him in a different light, a more thoughtful one as he was once again pleasant to be in the company of.

Father wishes me to press the matter with my husband of why he does not come to share my bed. Just before I left for Claypool, he came and questioned me of the virility and ability of my husband. I find it most shameful and uncomfortable to answer that he has not once sought me since our wedding night, but of course he has been to war and then wounded. Father insists I find out why I am so displeasing to my husband in this and questions if perhaps he's already taken a mistress. I admit, of course I do not know Baloryn very well yet, but there is something which tells me that he would not stoop to that, at least not this early in our marriage. He's too honorable I tell myself.

Perhaps while I am in Ebonhawke I can find a way to become more appealing to him.

May the Six watch over me, my house, my husband and my friends.

Goodnight.